Today, I noticed a stark difference between my old team and my new team. This team care. This team care so much about the patients, and it is refreshing and inspiring. This is why I wanted to be a doctor. I care. I care about people. And having a team around you that care really is infectious; it motivates everyone. It was so nice being in the family meetings, where everyone’s focus seems to shift towards the patient and their family so automatically. It is really nice to see. The families leave feeling a sense of trust and confidence, and always a huge sigh of relief that the stress is off them to look after their loved ones who are unwell. It makes me so happy and feel lucky that I am in these meetings, and that they really feel like we are doing the best by them.
Psychiatry seems to be a true multidisciplinary team experience. Psychiatrists, doctors, nursing associates, psychologists, occupational therapists, mental health advocates, social workers and care homes are all involved in these meetings. Our sheer presence in the room makes them feel like they’re in good hands – which is really nice to experience. You can’t please every one of course. But, the ones that benefit from our help are in the majority. The short debrief after each meeting really consolidates things, and hopefully I can become more and more integrated as the weeks go by. I want to learn about each of their roles more and see them at work. Seeing passionate people at work really inspires me. Makes me believe in humanity again. Gives me a sense of community. I’m not sure I’ve really had that in the past year.
I’ve worked with some incredible people. Some really caring people. But what seems to spoil it is gossip. I don’t like gossiping about colleagues behind their back about what they’re wearing, their hair, their attitudes or their knowledge. You should tell them to their face. In a nice way of course. But openness helps bring the team closer together. I find myself sometimes chiming in when people are talking about others; I don’t think I’ve had the maturity or the confidence to speak up against the gossip or what I see. I want to fit in. It’s human nature. I want to gain their approval. I don’t want to be a party pooper. The boring one who won’t join in the gossip. The quiet one.
Showing my true nature of caring is also something I’ve struggled with. I haven’t always shown it. At work and at home. It makes me sad when it’s not clear that I do care. But, I think what’s happened is that if you don’t care for yourself, it does become tough to care for others. You can’t pour from an empty glass. So many times this past year, I haven’t really treated myself as a priority. I have been irritable, tired, hungry, thirsty, overwhelmed, anxious, frustrated. And I haven’t asked for help. I’ve taken out my frustrations at people I love. I’ve told myself off. I’ve blamed others for the way I feel. I’ve not taken accountability. I’ve not had as much self-awareness as I thought I had. I’ve tried to build healthy habits, I’ve tried to take care of myself. Through sleep, exercise and good foods. Through drinking water, taking my time, going outside, in nature, journalling, cleaning, cooking, meditating, breath work, yoga. I’ve tried a lot of things. I continue to sit here with pathologically bitten nails, skin that has been itched to death and a mind that is rarely clutter-free. Some days I feel like I’ve regained clarity. Like when I started writing these posts. But most days, I’ve been snowed under. With thoughts. Not meeting personal expectations. Not meeting personal deadlines. Scheduling a million things in my calendar, and not ticking off anything of note off my to-do list.
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