You would expect someone’s first blog post to begin at Day 1. But, this website is gonna be about honesty. About not hiding anything. Not anymore. So, in that spirit, I must admit that I started on Day 2 of my Psychiatry block. And if we’re being more honest, it’s 1 year and 2 days into being a doctor. I got sent a NY times article from a friend once about how writing for 15 minutes each day can change your life. I’ll find it later. I’m surprised but grateful that I’m finally taking action today.
The reason I’m taking action today is because I have time. I have down time on Psych that I didn’t have in the past year. Maybe even ever. This down time is different. I’m not as addicted to doomscrolling as I previously have been. I’m not as stressed or anxious. My mind isn’t racing. My mind is…clear. It’s weirdly determined and driven in a way that I have never experienced. I have clarity. I have a vision. I have motivation. I have so many things that seem to be magically falling into place. It’s incredible. I didn’t know that my mind was cluttered for so many years. I didn’t know what clarity felt like. It’s free. It’s new. My head is suddenly above the clouds and there’s endless possibility above me in the sky. It’s bright. It feels warm. It isn’t as scary as it sounds. Wow, how I wish I could give this gift of clarity to people. Maybe everyone already has this? Some do. Some don’t.
Psych is incredibly interesting. And I’m glad I’m mature enough and understand enough medicine to truly appreciate it. I think younger me wasn’t. I even think this time last year, I would have been too cluttered to fully appreciate it. What I find interesting is the patients. Their stories. Their unfortunate events that led up to them being here in front me, the F2 doctor in a psychiatric hospital. I found it heartbreaking to deny a patient the right to go home. I’m gonna correct myself and say person or people from now.
Someone I treated on my last rotation reminded me to always treat people as people, not cases or patients or conditions, but people. Listen to them, put yourself in their shoes, talk to them, as you would someone you cared about. It is what Sid always told us too, it is always about them. And if you remember that, you’ll be a great doctor. Just care. Give a shit. I find it so tough to do that when people around you don’t quite do that. When they just wanna get by, get to the end of the day, do the least work possible. Doctors far more guilty of it than nurses. In my experience anyway. Hearing people talk down on nurses amazes me, because the hospitals would not run without nurses. They could run without some doctors for strikes, but nurses – no chance. Psych nurses again, completely under-appreciated. They save us doing so much. And it goes unnoticed by senior staff.
Why do we not speak up? We who notice these things. We don’t want to cause conflict. We aren’t used to speaking up. We aren’t used to creating a fuss. We also just would rather actually do our jobs and get on with it, than waste my time trying to change someone else’s point of view. It isn’t going to happen, and even if it is, the rest of our time together will be awkward. I don’t know that for a fact. So, maybe I should try and gently speak against their view, even if it is a senior member of staff. They might talk back, double down on their disrespectful opinion, but I shouldn’t care.
I would love to one day choose my team. Select A-team players only. Select people who care about their jobs – or even the people they work with. I don’t want to work with people who bring me down. Sid also used to tell us to not stoop down to their level. He said it’s easy to do that. I didn’t know what he meant then, and I hadn’t thought about it until right now. Funny that. How pieces of advice swing around your mind, not landing anywhere, not making any neural connections until years later. At least it’s not too late.
But, you have to ask yourself: Why do so many people not care? Is it that they never did, or that they don’t now. Because, for the F1s who just started, you have to question, what happened? And when? Did they ever want to be doctors? Or are they ‘stuck’ in this job. Are they doing the job as a job, not as a calling, not as the thing they want to do. I guess what I have to remember is that most people, most jobs, most workplaces, are probably like this. Most will have people who complain, people who bring negative energies into the workplace, people who externalise their frustrations, people who lack gratitude and positivity. The issue is it’s infectious. It gets to me. It makes me think negatively and has had me question my career choices, but I suppose the challenge of my thoughts has also helped strengthen my feelings towards the choices I make, ensuring they are more intentional and desired.
How do I continue to go on my own path? How do I put my blinders on in a way that doesn’t cut out the people I love and care about, but cuts out those that suck life out of me, and those that aren’t consistent with what I want? That’s a challenge. But we’re here for it. Head on. If anyone can do it, we can. Because while there are some hurdles to jump over, hoops to jump through, to get to where you want in life, there are, I guess, also banana peels and oil slicks to dodge and slalom past. As long as you do it in style.